my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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