her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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