I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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