Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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