There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I stole a fireplace last night.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
