a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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