i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I wish you could order shots online.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
