i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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