I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Randomize
