She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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