I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I feel great
I just peed on a car
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
