Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
