Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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