Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
