it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
