Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
