she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
