I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
