I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
