I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
