Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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