need another drink. this is the easiest way
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
