Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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