Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize