I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
