Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
