Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
