My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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