Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
