I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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