I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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