So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
