I wish I only lived at night.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
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