I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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