my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize