Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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