4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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