I want to have your abortion
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
