So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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