Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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