Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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