We're like a lot better than the average bears
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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