I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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