I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
