do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
