if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
What a dumb baby whore.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
