She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There's always time for handjobs
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
