Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
