i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
