I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
