I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
