I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
