i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
