I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
