The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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