Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i think i have herpe
just one?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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