What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i drank out of a bidet.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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