You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
