don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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